Alan will be home in a couple of weeks. I’ve really been stressing about it. I know that we can’t fix anything while he is so far away, but I’ve found a good equilibrium and I’m afraid of the chaos and turmoil that will happen when he returns. Even if we weren’t having problems it would be hard to adjust to having him back in the house.
I’ve spoken to my therapist about this and she suggested that I wait on God’s timing and only bring things up when He shows me an opening. And while that is very good advice, it still leaves me with a lot of questions. How do I remain open and forgiving without getting my feelings completely trampled on? I know that I am going to experience a certain level of rejection when Alan comes back and I am going to get hurt, but I’d like to limit the amount of hurt I experience. How do I deal with situations when I become angry because of something he has done? Do I make any demands on him at all, even basic ones like cleaning up the kitchen or taking out the trash? Or do I just let him do what he wants to do and deal with the rest as I am able?
I’ve been doing a lot of crying out to the Lord. I hesitate to call it praying because there aren’t many coherent words coming out of my mouth. Just “What do I do?” over and over again. I’ve also been trying to stay in God’s word because I know only God can sustain me. I’ve been sticking with Psalms and Proverbs because I can’t handle too much in-depth thinking right now. Well, I got an answer when I read Psalms 4:4. “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Interlude” NLT
So I got my answer. I really love it when God is clear like this. And I do believe that God is clear in his instructions. My favorite verse is Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you, I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” The word answer here means to “conspicuously answer,” an answer that you can clearly understand. If we are seeking God’s will, His answer will be clear.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start.* Sorry, I couldn’t resist. First, I want to explain what this blog will and will not be. I am planning on chronicling my journey as a Christian woman through a particularly rough time in my marriage. I will do my best to not bash my husband, who we will call Alan (not his real name), or to wallow in self pity.
Alan and I have been married for over nine years, and together for over 12 years. I don’t want to share too many details about how we met and things like that because I would like this to be relatively anonymous. That being said, we met in college and were married in 1999 at the age of 21. Our daughter, Audrey, was born in September of 2007. I have been a Christian since a young age and was raised in a Christian home. Alan is a Christian and came to that decision in adulthood.
We have always had our issues, what married couple doesn’t, but things got worse after our daughter was born, particularly after I went back to work. We both wanted me to be able to stay at home with Audrey, but financially it just wasn’t possible. Under the pressure of home, child and work the cracks in our marriage got wider and wider. We both hold some responsibility in the deterioration of our relationship.
My husband then took an opportunity that we hoped would eventually lead to a job that would allow me to be able to stay at home with Audrey, but required for him to be away from home for four months. During that time away Alan started seriously thinking about divorce.
I’m not sure if his specific reasons are really that important, at least where the big picture is concerned. No matter what I do, I cannot change his mind. No amount of arguing or justifying will help. The only thing I can do is ask God to change me and let Him take care of the rest.
And that is what this blog will be about. My journey to change through God’s help and hopefully through that allow God to save my marriage, a Christian woman’s attempt to avoid divorce. Hopefully by writing about my struggles I can think through things more clearly and maybe assist someone else going through the same struggles.
*For those of you who don’t recognize it, that is from the Sound of Music.
Alan and I have been married for over nine years, and together for over 12 years. I don’t want to share too many details about how we met and things like that because I would like this to be relatively anonymous. That being said, we met in college and were married in 1999 at the age of 21. Our daughter, Audrey, was born in September of 2007. I have been a Christian since a young age and was raised in a Christian home. Alan is a Christian and came to that decision in adulthood.
We have always had our issues, what married couple doesn’t, but things got worse after our daughter was born, particularly after I went back to work. We both wanted me to be able to stay at home with Audrey, but financially it just wasn’t possible. Under the pressure of home, child and work the cracks in our marriage got wider and wider. We both hold some responsibility in the deterioration of our relationship.
My husband then took an opportunity that we hoped would eventually lead to a job that would allow me to be able to stay at home with Audrey, but required for him to be away from home for four months. During that time away Alan started seriously thinking about divorce.
I’m not sure if his specific reasons are really that important, at least where the big picture is concerned. No matter what I do, I cannot change his mind. No amount of arguing or justifying will help. The only thing I can do is ask God to change me and let Him take care of the rest.
And that is what this blog will be about. My journey to change through God’s help and hopefully through that allow God to save my marriage, a Christian woman’s attempt to avoid divorce. Hopefully by writing about my struggles I can think through things more clearly and maybe assist someone else going through the same struggles.
*For those of you who don’t recognize it, that is from the Sound of Music.
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