Shift

I am up late, or early depending upon your perspective, with a sick little girl. I had the strangest dream tonight. I dreamed that I had fallen asleep with Audrey on the couch. Alan came home from work and touched my hand. I woke up and he asked how his girls were doing. That is when I woke up. The dream was so real that for a minute I wondered where he was. Then it all came back to me. Luckily Audrey needed me so I didn't have time to break down.

The dream was strange because most of my dreams about Alan are of me crying or trying to talk to him and him being cold and distant. It was kind of nice to have a different kind of dream, but also heartbreaking at the same time. I would never take back the man he is now, but I desperately miss the man he used to be.

Imperfect Solution

I am trying to find a good way to post from my iPhone and like most things in my life right now this is an imperfect solution. My husband and I are getting a divorce. This isn't what I really want, but he has left me no other choice. I have put up with a lot, made many changes and tried as hard as I can, but I am done.

Over all I am doing very well. My daughter is the light of my life. I would not be doing as well as I am without her. Many things are changing, but I am looking forward to the rest of my life.

Even with the imperfections in my life God has been faithful. He has been my rock and refuge. He has blessed me with an amazing daughter and family. I am so very blessed. James 1:2-4

Update

I am still alive! I'm not sure if anyone is reading this, but I wanted to reassure people that I am still around. A lot has happened and I'm not really comfortable with talking about it yet, but know that I am in God's hands.

One Day at a Time

This has been the hardest month of my life.  Alan is having an affair.  I've been waiting to write about this until I could get a little distance on the initial shock.  I can't tell you what to do in a situation like this, but I will share what has helped me.  

Pray.  Pray like you have never prayed before.  Pray for wisdom, pray for guidance, pray for help.  Most of my prayers in the beginning didn't even contain words, just formless cries to God.  

Be in the Word.  Some days all I can do is read some Psalms and Proverbs.  But being in God's Word is how he communicates with us, and right now you need to hear from God.  

Gather Godly people around you.  Find people that you can trust with this information.  God's people are called to help each other in times of trial.  Do not stay isolated and alone.  

If you aren't already in counseling I would highly suggest you get into some sort of Christian counseling.  I know my therapist has really helped me.  

Those are the main points that I can think of right now.  I know a lot of people would say, you know what he cheated on you, you are perfectly justified in asking for a divorce.  Even the Bible says divorce is ok in instances of infidelity.  But that doesn't mean that I have to ask for a divorce.  Marriage is ordained by God, and I see it as my responsibility to God, to myself, to my daughter, and even to my husband to do everything that I can to work things out.  

I won't pretend this is easy.  Alan still hasn't given her up.  Thank God she does not live here.  I am having a hard enough time know that they are communicating every day.  I'm not sure what I would do if I knew they were seeing each other in person.  

Right now I am just trying to take one day at a time, giving God time to work.  And I do believe that He is working.  

Answer

Alan will be home in a couple of weeks. I’ve really been stressing about it. I know that we can’t fix anything while he is so far away, but I’ve found a good equilibrium and I’m afraid of the chaos and turmoil that will happen when he returns. Even if we weren’t having problems it would be hard to adjust to having him back in the house.

I’ve spoken to my therapist about this and she suggested that I wait on God’s timing and only bring things up when He shows me an opening. And while that is very good advice, it still leaves me with a lot of questions. How do I remain open and forgiving without getting my feelings completely trampled on? I know that I am going to experience a certain level of rejection when Alan comes back and I am going to get hurt, but I’d like to limit the amount of hurt I experience. How do I deal with situations when I become angry because of something he has done? Do I make any demands on him at all, even basic ones like cleaning up the kitchen or taking out the trash? Or do I just let him do what he wants to do and deal with the rest as I am able?

I’ve been doing a lot of crying out to the Lord. I hesitate to call it praying because there aren’t many coherent words coming out of my mouth. Just “What do I do?” over and over again. I’ve also been trying to stay in God’s word because I know only God can sustain me. I’ve been sticking with Psalms and Proverbs because I can’t handle too much in-depth thinking right now. Well, I got an answer when I read Psalms 4:4. “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Interlude” NLT

So I got my answer. I really love it when God is clear like this. And I do believe that God is clear in his instructions. My favorite verse is Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you, I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” The word answer here means to “conspicuously answer,” an answer that you can clearly understand. If we are seeking God’s will, His answer will be clear.

Let's start at the very beginning

A very good place to start.* Sorry, I couldn’t resist. First, I want to explain what this blog will and will not be. I am planning on chronicling my journey as a Christian woman through a particularly rough time in my marriage. I will do my best to not bash my husband, who we will call Alan (not his real name), or to wallow in self pity.

Alan and I have been married for over nine years, and together for over 12 years. I don’t want to share too many details about how we met and things like that because I would like this to be relatively anonymous. That being said, we met in college and were married in 1999 at the age of 21. Our daughter, Audrey, was born in September of 2007. I have been a Christian since a young age and was raised in a Christian home. Alan is a Christian and came to that decision in adulthood.

We have always had our issues, what married couple doesn’t, but things got worse after our daughter was born, particularly after I went back to work. We both wanted me to be able to stay at home with Audrey, but financially it just wasn’t possible. Under the pressure of home, child and work the cracks in our marriage got wider and wider. We both hold some responsibility in the deterioration of our relationship.

My husband then took an opportunity that we hoped would eventually lead to a job that would allow me to be able to stay at home with Audrey, but required for him to be away from home for four months. During that time away Alan started seriously thinking about divorce.

I’m not sure if his specific reasons are really that important, at least where the big picture is concerned. No matter what I do, I cannot change his mind. No amount of arguing or justifying will help. The only thing I can do is ask God to change me and let Him take care of the rest.

And that is what this blog will be about. My journey to change through God’s help and hopefully through that allow God to save my marriage, a Christian woman’s attempt to avoid divorce. Hopefully by writing about my struggles I can think through things more clearly and maybe assist someone else going through the same struggles.


*For those of you who don’t recognize it, that is from the Sound of Music.